my boyfriend wants to marry me but all we are are two people that are bipolar, that can’t work, that have panic attacks, that can’t remember to take our meds, and now dependent on others financially.
is the rest of my life even worth it?
i got a job and did paperwork today. i start tomorrow. the shirt they gave me is too small. and i want to die. i pray to god that i’m the first person to die from a panic attack before work tomorrow. all i want is to be normal and to have a job and be like everyone else but it’s so hard and i don’t know why. i have to do it. i have to work because i have no other options. i could apply for disability, but that can takes years. i’m fucked. i’m medicated, i go to therapy weekly, i’ve been through programs and i still can’t function the way i dream i can. i don’t know what to do.
i’m trying so hard to get myself to work so i have money to go to school in the fall. i want to get my associates in human services so i can help people like me and i can’t even get myself going. it’s so heartbreaking to be so stuck.
My therapist gave me this advice looooong ago.. It is so accurate. I’d like to add: perform self-care like you’re caring for a small child. Eat your favorite food/snack/candy, go for a relaxing walk or watch a movie or draw or do whatever else makes you feel calm. And don’t feel bad about shirking responsibilities when you are sick, either physically or otherwise.
this is wonderful
i don’t know what kind of ring i want. i want a big fat stone for my big fat fingers so my hand looks smaller. but i have no clue.
a lot has happened in the past 6 months. i quit my job at starbucks because they cut my hours and cut my health insurance and i just wasn’t happy to begin with. ever since i came back from the pysch ward my anxiety has been through the roof. i thought change would make it better. luckily i had a job lined up already at caribou. that lasted about a month. everyday before work i had panic attacks and i still can’t figure out why. it was to the point where i was hurting myself and thinking about suicide all the time. but keep in mind i went to work anyways. i quit caribou to go into an intense anxiety program to learn to cope with it and i came out feeling a little better and ready to conquer the world again. i took about 3 months off because i had the money and i guess i wasn’t actually ready. i got another job, it lasted a day. and now i’ve been on million job interviews hoping to get the job and hoping not to at the same time. 6 months total. and now i’m in this place where i feel like i’m fucked, i want to go to school but i have $1000 and they won’t give me my grant money. and i need a job, but i can’t do it. i just can’t do it anymore. and i could get disability but that takes years to get and i need financial help right now. i don’t know if i’ll have money for medication next month. and i need a job so i can pay for it but i can’t handle a job. i don’t know what to do. but i know what i have to do.
my boyfriend has been a saint and is so understanding of what i’m going through. and he’s been mentioning rings for me of the engagement kind, and i just feel like i don’t deserve it.
plus we were talking about kids and it hurts. i know us both being bipolar, our kid could be sick. i could take of it and love the baby so much but i worry about us as parents. what if we’re manic at the same time or how do i explain our hospitalizations.
my mind is racing.
i see this and i think she’s gorgeous. i have similar curves and i don’t feel like i’m pretty enough. or good enough.
I could use this tonight — well, every night — but more so tonight.